FEDERAL REPUBLIC OF WHESTCOREA – Incumbent Mememaster-General Horatio Eden won today’s Mememaster-Generalate debate, according to a snap poll held in the immediate aftermath by the Whestcorean Electoral Commission.
Six of the eight voters polled said they would vote for Eden in the final election, with the other two going for his competitor from the House Party, Samuel Jackson. The Apathy Party candidate, James Reece, was unsuccessful in winning over the electorate with his titular apathetic rhetoric, remarking on almost nearly every question that he didn’t mind or had no opinion on the subject, while Dirty Party also-ran candidate Rainbow Gordon Bennett, the former Leader of the Opposition, was unable to appear.
This will provide a huge amount of early momentum to the Eden and Jackson campaigns, pointing to a potential final showdown in the election between the Party Party and the House Party come next Monday’s vote (international citizens will vote on the Tuesday).
The debate was exceedingly poor for Mr. Reece, who’s opening speech to the debate was generally uninspiring and espoused a lack of understanding of the issues. In fact, it was so uninspiring that a member of the audience was able to take the stage and remark that “no one cares”, which drew applause from present company.
Reece’s insistence upon having literally no opinion on any subject played against him in the undertaking, with no one polled afterwards expressing interest in voting for him.
His former affiliation with an enemy of the state may also prove to be a setback; there was originally speculation that he would be constitutionally unable to run, being a former constitutional enemy of state, though it later came to light that he was not, in fact, mentioned in the constitution as being a state exile.
Eden and Jackson made good showings in the debate, with Eden presenting his opening speech first. He maintained in his speech that he could “shoot someone on Fifth Avenue and not lose any votes”, which drew knowing laughter from the moderator of the debate, him having lifted the statement from a rally run by Donald Trump, the current Republican frontrunner for nomination to the US presidency.
The debate itself was curious. Reece constantly maintained that he had no opinion, except when the topic turned to that of the aforementioned Republican frontrunner, Donald Trump, on which the Apathy Party appeared to have formed a platform. Unfortunately, we may never know what that platform is, as the Party Party candidate shouted him down for talking too long, with Jackson asking if they could throw him out for going over time. Eden remarked that filibustering in this way would be frowned upon in any future administration of his.
Horatio Eden (Incumbent)
Party affiliation: Party Party
Highlight of the debate: Likely his opening speech. His reference to the past of his administration, his position as a founding father of the country, as well as being one of the few candidates to have actually contributed significantly to the governing of Whestcorea likely paid off later on.
Biggest flop: Referencing that he would “vote for” some of the policies set out by his House Party opponent, particularly on the subject of throwing out James Reece and legalizing particular drugs currently rendered illegal by default, the Whestcorean government having inherited the present drug laws of the UK after secession.
Party affiliation: House Party
Highlight of the debate: His repeated reference to drugs and MDMAs, while on the surface probably not the best way of going about things, received mass applause from the audience. Even if he doesn’t win the election, there may be a mandate in government for drugs reform regardless of which of the three candidates wins on Monday.
Biggest flop: He didn’t fall down very many times during the debate, though engaging in a brief swearing match with the other candidates halfway through may not have helped his case.
Party affiliation: Apathy Party
Highlight of the debate: None applicable.
Biggest flop: Opening his mouth. The platform of the Apathy Party was hopelessly uninspiring and fails to provide solutions to any real issues facing Whestcorea at the moment, not to mention his rampant unpopularity led to him being shouted down by both the people sharing the stage and the audience.
Rainbow Gordon Bennett
Party affiliation: Dirty Party
Highlight of the debate: Failed to appear.
Biggest flop: See above.